I've been running from the feeling of not-good-enough for my entire life.
My surf buddy pointed out that I bail off my board instead of taking on big waves. I'm afraid of getting dumped teeth first into the sand and getting stuck under. It's a valid fear. But it actually goes so much deeper.
The pattern from childhood was that unless I got 100%, it was met with disapproval.
It's the typical asian parent and/or immigrant parent response.
Even when I was placed in the top 10% of my graduating class, it *still* wasn't good enough because I came in at #39 , the last person in the top 10%.
Instead of getting to celebrate this major accomplishment, I was met with disapproval and comparison to how my friends were doing.
This happened with every grade that came back that wasn't 100%.
I got tired of trying so fucking hard to be met with disapproval.
It feels safer to not put in my best effort so that if I fall short, at least I could tell myself that I didn't give it my all.
This pattern shows up in nearly everything. Surfing is a small example.
I've noticed it on a much larger scale that's taken a decade to notice.
Professionally, I've been a painter, designer, photographer, yoga teacher, women's circle leader, and life coach.
Each time I cross over the threshold from complete beginner into "I've got a good grasp on what I"m doing now," that fear kicks in and I start comparing, and feeling less-than.
And then I run away.
I push it away.
I find something new.
Anything to not feel that gut-wrenching, shrinking, not-good-enough feeling.
But now that I've noticed this pattern, I'm choosing a different way.
I'm giving myself the acknowledgement that I didn't receive.
Even though this high school top 10% thing was over a decade ago, I'm celebrating for little Mona.
I took myself to the beach (my happy place), and wrote and spoke all the words that I needed to hear.
You're doing awesome!
You are loved.
No matter what you accomplish, you are loved.
You are loved you are loved you are loved.
Continued in comments ⬇️ - 12 minutes ago