As I begin to write this post Im already starting to feel guilty, but these are my emotions and I want to talk about them.
Resentment. Since late 2016 I have felt this way towards my husband and my doctors and I'll tell you why.
In 2016 I was at my healthiest! Hubby and I were happy, living on our own, we both had amazing government stable jobs (he still does), we were emotionally, physically and financially on top. Now, I have been talking about having children way early into our relationship but I woke up one morning and knew this was it. This was the time to start trying for children. Throughout the day my mind couldn't shake it and out of know where I had this sickening feeling and my mind screamed "you need to have kids now because your health is about to decline". I spoke to my doctors and asked to be referred to someone to give us more information so we could prepare for the future. Nope. They said I was too young.
I finally worked up the courage to discuss my thoughts with hubby and to my shock, he didn't even discuss it with me. He had one answer, and one answer only "I'm not raising a child in a rental property" 😳 what?!
That's it. There was no discussion, no compromise, nothing. Yes, we had plans to build but that wasn't until 2019! Every discussion from then on was the se answer. It killed me inside. I felt like my doctors and my own husband weren't taking me seriously and were being selfish. 💔
Sure enough, I was right. In mid 2017 I was diagnosed with kidney failure. It was stable and I discussed having children and at that point it was still safe too, but my husband stuck to his guns and gave me the same answer. Fast forward to this year. My husband and i finally came to a compromise but really he got what he wanted. We agreed once moving back in with his parents mid this year we could start trying because hubby said (and I quote) "by the time I popped it out we would be in our own home". I don't think he realised how much that kicked me in the heart. So now we are here, medically unfit at the moment to have kids, and I blame him. 😭 #realtalk #fertility #resenment #hurting #emotions #ivf #babies #ttc #sad #guilty #cf #cysticfibrosis #feelings - 15 minutes ago