You Are Not Alone
I have thought about sharing my struggles with anxiety and depression for a while now. I will share it with some of my patients occasionally, when I can see myself in them. A teenager who feels like they’re broken and thinks that no one else feels the way they do. They have a look about them, you can see it in their eyes.
Our church, Venture, is doing a series on anxiety and depression. I could never have imagined it’s impact on me and my marriage. Our pastor Jeff Clark encouraged us to share our stories, so here’s mine.
I started struggling with anxiety and depression at a young age. Started on medication around 10/11 years of age, supposedly to help my acid reflux (nervous stomach I guess lol). I then started having major issues around 14, I remember trying to throw myself out of my mother’s car while she was driving because I broke up with my boyfriend for the 4th time and he didn’t want to get back together with me. I didn’t want to necessarily “die”, I just wanted how I felt to “end.” I then was diagnosed with ADHD as a freshman in college. I was on Paxil until my early 20s (roughly 8-10 years). I also have OCD “tendencies” but never diagnosed.
Anxiety and depression are not logical. It’s hard to explain how you “feel”. Sometimes it’s like I’m living in a fog, watching my life happen below me as I watch from another plane. Sadness is not a good word, you feel useless. Broken. You should be happy. You have no “reason” to be “sad”. It has not been uncommon for me to sleep 15+ hours. To have panic attacks when I feel claustrophobic. To not want to be alone and find company/love from the wrong people. You can’t describe what is going on in your head. My head is usually not a good place to be.
Some of my close friends know some of my struggle, but the only person who truly sees all of it is my husband. And I consider myself in a good place now lol. This series has helped us in more ways than I could express, he now understands that sometimes I’m just sad. He knows how to be there for me better. And I’m working on communicating to him what I need.
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