Finding the light
*A post about infertility and the lingering trauma.*
This isn’t something I often hear about: having "won" the fertility prize feels like it should be enough, that life will continue on as expected, before the threat of infertility, but for some reason you still feel like that success could be snatched away at any time. It is what your struggle with infertility begins to make you believe.
Recently, I made a connection between the post-partum anxiety that consumed me years ago with my struggles with fertility. I work for fertility clinics, and hear many stories of struggle and hope, gratitude and loss, and yet, being a self-employed parent, I hadn’t properly taken the time to really sit and think about my own situation, and how infertility still affects me, long after the birth of my daughter. It can affect your connection with those around you. It can close the maternal gates. It can be isolating and suffocating for everyone involved.
The mind is powerful. Carrying a much hoped for baby to term, knowing I’d likely not have another, I felt like my body held on to her as long as I possibly could. She was overdue and breech and I ended up having an emergency C-section to finally release her. Having to let her go and be in the world (alive and in my arms, which I am eternally grateful for), somehow also proved a really hard transition. Most nights I held her in the dark, weeping over the happiest event of my life.
I won’t go into the personal toll it has taken, suffice to say it still affects me and my relationships, but I want you to know its impact does lessen over time. I know parenting isn't easy, but after a dark start, I now make an effort to see the light in my role as a parent everyday.
#postpartum anxiety #PPA #infertility #light - 5 minutes ago