Yesterday was my baby shower for your baby sister, Olivia. It was a beautiful day celebrating her pending arrival and I was so happy to see friends and family that I haven’t seen in a while.
But it was also a day full of mixed emotions. I now know that everything I felt is normal. The happiness, the joy, the fear, the sadness. All of it.
I remembered the day of your baby shower. You were in the NICU still, but you were doing so well. You were 3 months old and I finally felt we were in the “safe” zone. So many people loved you and were rooting for you that I wanted to include everyone that prayed and sent well wishes for you. It was a big event and I felt so blessed to have had the opportunity to celebrate you and so excited to have you home with us soon.
But then, things changed. It was as if someone came along and burst my bubble of happiness and hope. I was blind sided. And that part, I will never stop feeling and never ever forget.
I try not to do it, but sometimes I can’t help it. My internal voice overcomes my sense of hope and reason. “Don’t get too excited Christina. Don’t get your hopes up Christina. Don’t get too comfortable Christina. Things can change instantly Christina. You’re never safe Christina. Amelia didn’t find her happy ending, what makes you think you deserve this Christina?” I know I can’t live in fear. I know I need to move forward and find true happiness and know that bad things can happen, but still hope that they won’t. And for the most part, I do feel that way. But sometimes the memories and flashbacks are too strong and I just allow myself to feel it. Just for that moment. And then I let it go.
I wish you were here. Love Mommy
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