Today was my 2nd session of IPT (interpersonal psychotherapy), which was very difficult.
We discussed if there was anything at the moment where I set myself too high expectations to meet; work isn’t one as I am being off sick due to depression and anxiety. Bea isn’t one as all things Bea are out of my control & on hold. But the one bing I do set too high is being a mum and being a perfect friend. I have this ideal image in my head and I expect myself to be so patient and tolerant. Planning days of activities and outings. I expect myself to be all signing and dancing, with Eli and helping friends with problems and being the person I was before I was a mum/lost Briony. When the reality is some days I can’t get out of bed, I don’t even want to talk to anyone; not even my son or husband. The little energy I do have I use it doing daily tasks and simply existing. one thing my therapist said that was good for me to hear was; you’re ill. You need to remind yourself that this is an illness & you’re doing the best you can. .
We also touched upon when I have had other periods of depression. This is what upset me most. I read through my teenage diaries & I probably suffered with depression then; we talked about what was going on for me during this time & if anyone outside my family supported us. No.
Then we talked about a period of depression in my 2nd year of uni where a friendship broke down & during that time I had a miscarriage. I was asked at this time was I supported by anyone but my now husband, no.
Last week we had made a timescale of this period of depression, which started in Dec 2015 until now, so much trauma has happened in a 3 & a half year period. Again, things I don’t talk about or have told many people. It was strange to see how I have coped so differently with each period of depression. But all similarities come back to my inability to ask for support when I really really need it. It was interesting to see that we could discuss 3 of the 4 areas of IPT to help me; grief, change/transition & conflict.
This week’s session left me feeling so sad for the younger me. It also left me feeling powered to keep telling myself that I am ill; this is an illness. - 6 minutes ago